Marriage Truths

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I recently came across an excellent post about marriage, and after contacting Kelly for permission, I am reposting it here for you to enjoy as well. Kelly has summed up in one post a lot of truths about marriage and how to keep your marriage strong. Hope you enjoy this article as much as I did!

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A Letter To My Children About Marriage

Dear Children,

Should the Lord give you the good gift of a husband or wife, and I hope He does, there are a few things I want you to know.  Things that you may not hear from anyone else, and certainly not on TV or other media.  Sadly, your church may not even tell you.

Marriage, sweet little people, is not for the purpose of your happiness.  Happy as I want you to be and hope you will be, you must yet understand that marriage is God’s design and His purposes must be pursued in order for you to be truly happy.  His end is holiness and He will use all things in a life devoted to Him to fulfill that end.

To my girls:

Marry a man whose first pursuit is Christ.  After that, he is not hard to please.  Admire him, cheer him on and show gratitude, and he will fall over himself trying to please you.  Smile often, speak well of him always, and do whatever necessary to try and maintain a pleasant mood about you so that it transfers to your home, making it a place where he and your children love to be.

You’ll have bad days of course, crying days even, and that’s when you go to your bedroom, kneel on the floor and beg the Lord to carry you.  Then get up, get a fresh perspective (crayons will come off the wall), and try again.  Above all else, make a home.

To my boys:

Marry a woman whose first pursuit is Christ.  After that, she may be hard to please  only if you don’t know “the secret”.  What is that?  I’m glad you asked.  The secret to pleasing your wife is to make her feel safe and treasured.  You may have to move out of your comfort zone to do this at times.  She won’t always readily translate the oil change to love, though it means that.  But let me give you a “secret question”–a question you need to ask her often.  It’s not just in the asking, though.  Be sure to focus your eyes on hers, maybe even touch her shoulder or face, and then ask:  “What’s on your mind these days? “  And then be ready to listen.  She will perceive this as your protection over the matters of her heart.  Tenderness, listening, protection.  That’s what she wants.

To you all:

If your wife or husband does something really stupid, forgive.  If they do it again, forgive again.  Forgiveness must be the propelling force in your lives each day. Dwell on the strengths, push out thoughts of their weaknesses.  Take every thought captive–choose to love.

Here’s that part you are not going to hear often:

If you find yourself “not happy”, having lost attraction, disinterested, etc., you are not permitted to even think about a divorce.  If you find yourselves arguing more and more, don’t think for a minute that “the children will be better off out of this”, because they won’t.

The vows you took on your wedding day were not suggestions.  They were covenant vows, before a Holy God, family and friends, to stay with this person the rest of your life, even if you don’t feel like it.  You swore a solemn oath and if you can’t live up to it, don’t get married.  Decide up front that your marriage is irrevocable.  There is far more motivation for getting along if your “marriage house” has no door.

Do not share intimate thoughts or feelings with anyone of the opposite sex.  Do not find yourself alone for any length of time with such either.

Divorce is not a “private option”.  It will affect multiple families for many generations.  When you “separate what God has joined” you permanently injure far more than just yourself.

Guard your marriage as fiercely as you would guard your own life.  Treat your spouse as an extension of your flesh, just as God sees you.  Treat your spouse like other family members.  You know, “you gotta love ‘em, they’re the only family you’ve got”.

I want you to be happy, I surely do.  But I will pray for you to be holy.

~~~

Please take a  moment to visit Kelly's site at www.generationceder.com She has lots of other great articles like this one!

To Be My Husband's Wife: Part 1

Hi, my name is Jenny, and I am a stay-at-home wife.

Does this surprise you? Are you curious about how this came to be? What is your reaction to this statement? I can tell you that a few years ago, my reaction would have been something akin to this:

“Wow, how antiquated and un-liberated. She must not be a very bright girl, because she obviously couldn’t accomplish anything else other than getting married and staying at home”

I believed that the only women who would choose to stay home were those who a) had no other choice (a la uber-conservative religions) b) didn’t have the “brains” to make something of themselves or c) were essentially “doormats” who served chauvinist men and allowed themselves to be bossed around by them.

If you had told me, just a few short years ago, that I would now be in my third year of marriage, and my second year of being a stay at home wife, I would have laughed at you. All of my life I was told that I was an exceptional person, capable of accomplishing great things, that I was destined to excel. I considered many different careers, excelled in academics, and scoffed at my girlfriends who wanted to get married and settled down.

Then I met my husband. Or rather, I re-met him. We were childhood friends who reconnected after I moved back from Europe to go to college in the States. Our friendship naturally progressed to a romantic relationship, and we were soon talking about marriage.

I couldn’t believe myself. I felt like I was betraying all that I had been brought up to be. I mean, I had great potential, remember? I was going to make something of myself. But my feelings were betraying me. Suddenly I found myself wanting nothing more than to make a life with this man, to have a home together, to face the world as a unified team.

~

P.S. Come back next week for part two in my story of how I ended up becoming a stay-at-home wife.

To Be My Husband's Wife: Part 1

Hi, my name is Jenny, and I am a stay-at-home wife.

Does this surprise you? Are you curious about how this came to be? What is your reaction to this statement? I can tell you that a few years ago, my reaction would have been something akin to this:

“Wow, how antiquated and un-liberated. She must not be a very bright girl, because she obviously couldn’t accomplish anything else other than getting married and staying at home”

I believed that the only women who would choose to stay home were those who a) had no other choice (a la uber-conservative religions) b) didn’t have the “brains” to make something of themselves or c) were essentially “doormats” who served chauvinist men and allowed themselves to be bossed around by them.

If you had told me, just a few short years ago, that I would now be in my third year of marriage, and my second year of being a stay at home wife, I would have laughed at you. All of my life I was told that I was an exceptional person, capable of accomplishing great things, that I was destined to excel. I considered many different careers, excelled in academics, and scoffed at my girlfriends who wanted to get married and settled down.

Then I met my husband. Or rather, I re-met him. We were childhood friends who reconnected after I moved back from Europe to go to college in the States. Our friendship naturally progressed to a romantic relationship, and we were soon talking about marriage.

I couldn’t believe myself. I felt like I was betraying all that I had been brought up to be. I mean, I had great potential, remember? I was going to make something of myself. But my feelings were betraying me. Suddenly I found myself wanting nothing more than to make a life with this man, to have a home together, to face the world as a unified team.

~

P.S. Come back next week for part two in my story of how I ended up becoming a stay-at-home wife.

How to Still Be Newlyweds...no matter how long it's been!

Image via yell.com

It seems like many of our friends that have gotten married around the same time we did are beginning to have some real struggles in their relationship. The proverbial honeymoon period is over, and the reality of a lifetime commitment to someone is setting in. For some, there are issues that need to be dealt with that haven't been up until now. For others, they've simply stopped doing the things that helped them fall in love in the first place. For one reason or another, these couples no longer feel like "newlyweds."

When Lover and I first began to talk about marriage, we discussed this common trend of losing that "new love" feeling shortly after getting married. We were madly in love, crazy about each other, jealous of our time together. We didn't want that to ever change. And so, we made a promise to each other that we would forever remain "newlyweds" even after being married for more years than we could count. Three years later, it seems to be working quite well, if I do say so myself.

Here is a short list of the things that we do to keep that newlywed feeling:

We still date each other.

Yes, we are married now, live together, spend 90% of our non-work time together. So why would we still go on dates? Because it is fun and exciting, and it reminds you to make the effort to have a very special night with the person you love.

When we were dating we would take the time to look nice for each other. We'd go out to dinner and talk all night long. We would take long walks on the pier and ask each other all about our day, and our future plans, and our wildest dreams.

We do the same thing now, post-marriage. About once a week we will take a few moments to look nice, pick a place to eat, and go out and spend the evening together. No cell phones, no TV, just good food and lots of conversation. Knowing we have special time set aside for us means that we can fill the rest of our week with whatever else needs to be done.

We say our marriage vows to each other on special occasions.

We wrote our vows to each other for our wedding, and later framed them and hung them on our bedroom wall. We make a point to say our vows to each other on special occasions, such as our anniversary, or on normal nights when nothing is out of the ordinary. Repeating our vows to each other instantly takes us back to our wedding day, when we said them for the first time, and it ensures that those promises we made to each other stay fresh in our mind, instead of forgotten in a scrapbook.

We are affectionate with each other, in private and in public.

We have pet names for each other, in fact we rarely call each other by our first names. We're not afraid to hold hands in public, or link arms, or even kiss! :-) If you stop being affectionate towards your partner, eventually you will stop feeling affectionate towards him or her. These little physical touches are constant reminders of the love you feel for that person.

We don't "air our dirty laundry."

Although at times Lover will do things that make me want to tear out my hair, and I will drive him to drink, we don't share this stuff with our friends. Our issues are exactly that, our own. We work hard to protect each other, and to share only the good of our spouse with our friends. We don't pretend to know it all, or to never fight. We'll share a disagreement and how it was resolved with a friend if it is pertinent, but never in the "Can you believe what an idiot he is..." kind of way. People tell me all the time that Lover worships the ground I walk on, and I know for a fact that he knows my flaws. But he doesn't go around sharing them with whomever will listen. I do the same for him.

We say "I love you."

While this may seem obvious, it is an important part of our relationship. We make a conscious effort to express our love as much as possible. No matter what is going on, we have that assurance that the other person loves us, unconditionally, and always will. We make it a point to not just write it in a card on our anniversary, but to say it on the way out the door for work, at the end of a phone call, before falling asleep at night. We'll mouth it across the room to each other, write it on the mirror, leave a note for each other. We remind each other whenever we can of the love that keeps us together.

A few months ago, we went out for lunch and while standing in line waiting to pay for our sandwiches, the cashier asked us if we were married. He was sure that we weren't because we "weren't acting like married people" (his words) We took it as a compliment that we are still acting like newlyweds who can't get enough of each other. Hopefully, some of the things we've put into practice in our relationship will work for you too!

How to Still Be Newlyweds...no matter how long it's been!

Image via yell.com

It seems like many of our friends that have gotten married around the same time we did are beginning to have some real struggles in their relationship. The proverbial honeymoon period is over, and the reality of a lifetime commitment to someone is setting in. For some, there are issues that need to be dealt with that haven't been up until now. For others, they've simply stopped doing the things that helped them fall in love in the first place. For one reason or another, these couples no longer feel like "newlyweds."

When Lover and I first began to talk about marriage, we discussed this common trend of losing that "new love" feeling shortly after getting married. We were madly in love, crazy about each other, jealous of our time together. We didn't want that to ever change. And so, we made a promise to each other that we would forever remain "newlyweds" even after being married for more years than we could count. Three years later, it seems to be working quite well, if I do say so myself.

Here is a short list of the things that we do to keep that newlywed feeling:

We still date each other.

Yes, we are married now, live together, spend 90% of our non-work time together. So why would we still go on dates? Because it is fun and exciting, and it reminds you to make the effort to have a very special night with the person you love.

When we were dating we would take the time to look nice for each other. We'd go out to dinner and talk all night long. We would take long walks on the pier and ask each other all about our day, and our future plans, and our wildest dreams.

We do the same thing now, post-marriage. About once a week we will take a few moments to look nice, pick a place to eat, and go out and spend the evening together. No cell phones, no TV, just good food and lots of conversation. Knowing we have special time set aside for us means that we can fill the rest of our week with whatever else needs to be done.

We say our marriage vows to each other on special occasions.

We wrote our vows to each other for our wedding, and later framed them and hung them on our bedroom wall. We make a point to say our vows to each other on special occasions, such as our anniversary, or on normal nights when nothing is out of the ordinary. Repeating our vows to each other instantly takes us back to our wedding day, when we said them for the first time, and it ensures that those promises we made to each other stay fresh in our mind, instead of forgotten in a scrapbook.

We are affectionate with each other, in private and in public.

We have pet names for each other, in fact we rarely call each other by our first names. We're not afraid to hold hands in public, or link arms, or even kiss! :-) If you stop being affectionate towards your partner, eventually you will stop feeling affectionate towards him or her. These little physical touches are constant reminders of the love you feel for that person.

We don't "air our dirty laundry."

Although at times Lover will do things that make me want to tear out my hair, and I will drive him to drink, we don't share this stuff with our friends. Our issues are exactly that, our own. We work hard to protect each other, and to share only the good of our spouse with our friends. We don't pretend to know it all, or to never fight. We'll share a disagreement and how it was resolved with a friend if it is pertinent, but never in the "Can you believe what an idiot he is..." kind of way. People tell me all the time that Lover worships the ground I walk on, and I know for a fact that he knows my flaws. But he doesn't go around sharing them with whomever will listen. I do the same for him.

We say "I love you."

While this may seem obvious, it is an important part of our relationship. We make a conscious effort to express our love as much as possible. No matter what is going on, we have that assurance that the other person loves us, unconditionally, and always will. We make it a point to not just write it in a card on our anniversary, but to say it on the way out the door for work, at the end of a phone call, before falling asleep at night. We'll mouth it across the room to each other, write it on the mirror, leave a note for each other. We remind each other whenever we can of the love that keeps us together.

A few months ago, we went out for lunch and while standing in line waiting to pay for our sandwiches, the cashier asked us if we were married. He was sure that we weren't because we "weren't acting like married people" (his words) We took it as a compliment that we are still acting like newlyweds who can't get enough of each other. Hopefully, some of the things we've put into practice in our relationship will work for you too!